You're so vain. You probably think this life decision is about you.

Well, this is either big news for you, or a formality. So either brace yourself, or lean back and chill. Maybe just skip this post and listen to some music (may I suggest some from the column to the left?).

I'm dropping out of Towson. I'm moving to the Grantham/Harrisburg area (I'm looking at a few living situations, depending on the availability of a car), working full time, maybe taking a class or two at community college, and not doing school for a while.

I have made this decision over the course of the whole semester, so don't you leave me any comments asking me to reconsider. And yes, my parents know, and because they are the most kickass, understanding, patient and chill parents ever, they are not only okay with this, but supportive of this.

Here's my reasoning:

I am a smart, motivated, talented individual. I'm starting to hit the prime of my life. However, the things that interest me, that motivate me, that show my talents... those are not necessarily the same things that I am being asked to do in a university. I am very interested in history, for example. It is still my goal to be a high school history teacher. And I love reading about history, listening to lectures on history, all of that. What I don't like is writing papers on history. They won't matter to anyone. Not to me, not to my professors, not to my future students. They are just part of the system. I have to write these papers to become a teacher.

But I would rather write one hundred poems than one 3 page paper right now. I cannot bring myself to do it. I won't do it, in fact. And I haven't done it. So I'm failing again, and as I look around, all of these people who are not smarter than me are getting As and Bs. My self esteem is slowly getting wiped clean, just as I am rebuilding it.

The other problem is Baltimore. This place has actually grown on me as a city, and a place to live. It is, however, frustrating how hard it is to develop friendships here. This has never once been a problem for me before in my life. I could probably write for hours and hours on my problems with Baltimore, and my thoughts on how this happened, but the bottom line is that this is not the place to try to get back on my feet. The only place I feel safe and at home in this city is with Mike and Duke at my apartment. And it's just not enough. Leaving Mike and this apartment that is my home is my sole regret about leaving Baltimore.

Why the Messiah College area? That's easy. I'm 100% safe there. I'm surrounded by good friends... no, great friends. The area is as home to me as my home in Frederick, Maryland, maybe more. I feel at peace near those creeks and rivers and fields and mountains. The air feels cleaner. It's not perfect. But it's what I need. And sure, a few immediate opportunities that have sprung up (which I am trying to not get my hopes toooooo high about, and so will not mention them) which clinched central PA as my new home, and there's a good chance that none of them will work out. And even if none of them do, I feel at peace with my decision.

Just as there was a downside with leaving Baltimore, so there is for returning to the Messiah area. It's usually the first thing that people ask me about after, "did you think this out?" (Seriously, don't ask me if I thought it out guys. Yes. I did think it out.) And I do realize that of all the places in the wide world, moving to that area might not be exactly moving away from my problems. But I'm kind of finished making life decisions based around that situation. And if it is worse than I thought, having no school, a shrink to talk to, and many many many of my closest friends, plus my family right around as close as ever, all of these things at my fingertips... I think I am putting myself in a good situation. And again, finally, one I am at peace with.

Anyway, please pray for me. This wasn't easy by any means, and God and I aren't exactly on speaking terms (another goal for this year: talk to God again), so do pray hard, and for my poor parents too.

Duke and I are taking our show north. If nothing else, there's more fields for him up there.

Love,
Charlie